Someone is in trouble tonight!

There wasn't a mugging, there was no day light robbery. That was a spectacular cock up, a dropping of the ball and a failure worthy of an English cricket team in full ashes collapse.

Hamilton had the race won! He'd done all the hard work on Saturday with a comfortable pole and a team mate floundering around the escape roads home. Ferrari had briefly threatened to upset the script with Vettel looking handy. But the cold track on Saturday had played into Mercedes hands and all Hamilton had to do was demonstrate just how fantastic he is. Sunday was just going to be a cruse in the sunshine, no chance of rain unfortunately, it was hot and clear blue skies as far as the eye could see. There was nothing, absolutely nothing there to stop Hamilton winning in Monaco and burying Nico's challenge stone cold dead.

I'd even drifted off it was so dull, the low drone of the engines, Martin Brundels soft voice like warm honey in the ear informing me just how easy this all was for Hamilton. The minor places being scrapped over by old boys and young bloods. McLaren having a good race for a change, Button into the top ten as Alonso has a Monaco to forget.

The Torro Rosso boys making a name for themselves; Sainz starting from the pit lane after the FIA threw the ban hammer at him for a minor misdemeanour in qualifying, was charging back through the field. Verstappen was harrying the lotus of Grosjean and my eyes were getting heavy, sleep was washing over me as the smell of freshly mown grass wafted through the open windows. A glass of chilled Soave glinting in the afternoon sun, Hamilton on the way to the chequered flag... sleep enveloping me like a warm comfortable blanket.

Then crash bang wallop, how's yer father, Grosjean has brake tested Verstappen into the first corner and sent the young scallywag barrowing into the Tecpro safer barrier; Sparks and wheels and bits of carbon spraying off in all directions! It's a big one, but the Dutch lad was able to walk away with only his pride injured.

Charlie up in race control threw a virtual safety car to begin with, where all the drivers have to stick to a set speed following each other, no overtaking, as the marshals clear the Torro Rosso away. But there were too many bits of old car on the racing line and they have to be removed by hand. So the safety car was sent out to pick up Hamilton and neutralise the race.

At this point, a soon to be ex employee of Mercedes racing gets it into his head that Hamilton has enough time to get back to the pits, change his tyres and get back out ahead of Rosberg, who has been quite unremarkable all afternoon, and Vettel who can't overtake because this is Monaco.

No he didn't. Ferrari weren't out in the pits about to change Vettels tyres, Mercedes knew Nico wasn't coming in. So why the Sam Hill bring Hamilton in? No one else pitted, no one else though "14 laps to go, we need nice new rubber for this".

Every single pit boss watched Mercedes stride out into the pit lane as Hamilton turned into the last corner and as one though "Why !?!?!?!?!. Every single person who had sat through 64 laps of tedium watched Hamilton drive down the pit lane on his own and though "Why !?!?!?!" Nico thought "Why?", Vettel thought "Why?" and then made sure he got to the pit lane exit line before Hamilton and thought "hahahahahaahahahahaahahahaha ...........mmmmmwwwhahahahahaahahahahaha"

The first rule of Monaco is  ... you can't pass at Monaco, unless the other guy screws up.

Vettel was never going to screw up with 10 laps of racing left. He's a four times world champion. He might not be brilliant, but he's not an idiot and he knows how to defend a position. What where Mercedes thinking? They knew Nico wasn't coming in and damn sure as mustard he wasn't going to hold back and let Hamilton cruse back into the lead.

So the safety car eventually goes back in and we get to watch Hamilton desperately try to overtake Vettel for a bit, the chilled Soave gets a bit too warm to be enjoyable anymore and Nico picks up what has to be the easiest victory of his entire career.

Nico didn't even have the good grace to look embarrassed about it all at the end. He was waving and jumping around like he's fought tooth and nail for every inch of that track. Instead of being blown away and generally tooling around until his team stunningly fumbled the ball handing him the win on a plate. He didn't even get the fastest lap! Ricciardo did that chasing Hamilton down at the end to make it even more uncomfortable with the unlucky Brit.

So Nico won, and he didn't really deserve it did he. He messed up qualifying, never looked like really being on terms with Hamilton on Saturday. Okay, I'm sure the team talk on Sunday morning was a straight, "Lewis got pole, don't do anything stupid lad, alright" chat. Nico wasn't going to jeopardise a Mercedes one-two at the most prestigious European race of the year after all, tail gunner duties set to Germany this weekend. Hamilton built up a nice lead and never looked like making any mistakes that Nico could capitalize on, he was well beaten this weekend and no amount of high fiving the team that handed him the win is going to change that.

Vettel didn't have the grunt to pass either Nico or Lewis and thusly was the only happy person on the podium with second place. He wasn't expecting that second and said as much in the post race interview. The Ferrari looked better than it did in Spain, but Monaco is a bit of a one off so you can't draw any conclusion about the car here. Vettel however is looking much happier with his switch to Italy and you can't really begrudge him the results so far.

Hamilton was shafted by the team and I have never seen a driver so gutted with third place at Monaco. He gets a lot of respect for saying well done Nico for the win, watching his team mate cavort around like it was the greatest victory of his life must have been galling. They'll be other races, but none as painful as this third place.

Kvyat was fourth despite Ricciardo taking the first to Hamilton at the end.  Apparently Riccy was given the chance to have a go for third only on the proviso that if he wasn't on the podium on the last lap, he had to give the place back to his team mate who had let him past after the safety car. Bizarre indeed, I doubt there are many drivers on the grid that would give the place back. But Redbull are fighting for pride alone now, Vettel has gone and it's a more harmonious garage these days. So Kvyat got his fourth back......

.... and Ricciardo was fifth.

Kimi was sixth and still needs to work on his qualifying.

Perez with a bucket of spares parts nailed together and powered by the sweat of desperate men, was seventh. Not a bad effort with a car that is in desperate need of some new bits. Monaco unique etc etc luck blah blah.

Button was eighth and the McLaren boys and girls deserved that. They've plugged away with a terrible engine and hybrid system, a chassis that twists and turns more than David Cameron at an EU summit.  Alonso had a Monaco to utterly forget with numerous engine failures and technical issues but Button almost made it into Q3 for the first time this year and was chipper and upbeat all weekend. They've not turned a corner of anything, but they've got some points now to cheers up the faithful.

Nasr was ninth, I think because Grosjean and Verstappen took each other out. It's a good result for Sauber who look like they're struggling again.

And finally Sainz was tenth with a feisty drive from the pits. Apparently he missed the random mandatory FIA car weight check during qualifying, so the stewards took away all his qualifying times and made him start from the pit lane. To get back to tenth at Monaco is no mean feat, the safety car was late in the race so didn't give him any help. That was a pretty good drive, and he didn't his anyone up the backside, like his more fancied team mate did you'll notice.

Okay Riccy fastest lap, and the last place driver was Will Stevens this week, in the Manor Marussia. Is it my imagination or does Stevens look like the delivery boy from the post room who got mistaken for a racing driver one day and no one has the heart to tell him the to go home? No, just me then.

Right, dull race then, the winner didn't deserve it and the best man was third. ho 

Monaco, its not just about the money.

Hello everyone. It's time to put on the best bib and tucker, dust of the loafers and hitch up that winning smile because we're all off the Monaco and the yearly European F1 trade show.

Don't worry about the racing, watch qualifying, that's your winner right there. No need for all that tedious round and round nonsense. Well there's the guessing at what point Maldonado inevitably smears it down the wall but other than that, qualifying will give you all you need.

No, Monaco I'm afraid is an anachronism these days; it's too narrow, has far too little run off to play with. The spectators don't really get to see much, other than who's there and who paid to be next to the Royal pavilion. Singapore meanwhile is fast turning into the city race course it's ok to like these days.

Monaco is little more than a trade show for the B list money men who can't afford to go to Singapore. What used to be the highlight of the social season has turned into an unseemly dash for a shrinking pool of money. The likes of Ferrari, Redbull and Mercedes will wing the super rich to the Raffles hotel for the best night race of the year. But the less financially stable will have reasonably priced boats moored in the Monaco harbour and pray the weather holds all weekend and doesn't upset the middle ranking CEOs and mildly VIP. Some of them might even watch the race, most will be there to be seen and wonder what time the taxi heads back to Nice.

Don't get me wrong here; there are real fans at Monaco. If you look really hard, as the cars turn into the pit entrance there is a slab sided hill off to the right as you look back out to sea. I'm told it's a sheer cliff face; you take your life in your hands getting down there. But it's free, and it affords one of the best views in Formula one.

From there you can practically taste the history of F1 racing. A view out over the harbour that has hardly changed from the days of Fangio and Moss, watch the daredevil drivers threading the eye of the needle through the Armco barriers.  Cars dancing out of Tabac, through the swimming pool complex into La Rascasse, Anthony Noghes and the long curving pit straight.  Those nitwit on the boats don't appreciate what's happening in front of them, the level of skill they could be witness too.

There might not be much overtaking and actual racing, but watch Alonso in a dog of a car, Kimi rekindling his love of racing and Hamilton at the top of his game and be damned impressed for they are gladiators, fighting for our entertainment.

It's looking like it'll be a wet weekend in the south of France, just to add spice to the event. Normally rain levels the playing field and the rubbish cars get a chance to shine. But at Monaco it just makes the whole thing a more of a lottery, skill will still will out and all so that a Merc or two at the front with a Ferrari or Williams shadow no doubt. The rest of the top ten is going to be far trickier to predict.

Force India has two excellent wet weather drivers.

Sauber has a fast car but two so so drivers.

Torro Rosso has thrusting young bucks and a handy little car.

Redbull will be able to turn the wick down and Danny has shone at wet races in the past.  

And what about McLaren ... if they're going to get anything this year, Monaco will be the place it happens. 

Please update your predictions before Wednesday midnight, due to Monaco starting the practice days on Thursday so they can have Friday off to get drunk I think.

Also this weekend in the Indy 500, four corners, speeds over 230 mph and a solid concrete wall if it all goes wrong. Hunt around for live feeds on the internet it might not have the global reach of F1, but those boys are racing at over 200mph 3 wide with no run off to save them. 

Who do you want to win ?

So then, Abu Dhabi;

If Lewis wins or comes second to Nico he will be champion. 

If Lewis fails to finish or is third and Nico wins, Nico will be champion.

And If Nico fails to win whatever happens Lewis will win the championship.

It’s that simple.

Is all about the Glory now, there are no hiding places left, no “Well I just tried my hardest but ....”. Win or bust, roll the dice, no playing safe anymore. It’s an intriguing end to the season which has seen these two totally dominate from the first practice session in Australia.

Who do you want to win ?

On the one hand you have Nico; after so many years being dismissed as purely a journeyman driver, there to make up the numbers with odd flash of something special.  He’s stepped up to the plate this year with consistent and gutsy drives. But he’s also played fasted and loose with the rule book at times and thrown the odd rattle from the pram.

On the other hand you have Lewis; a driver that wears his heart on his sleeve who will go out there and thrash the car to the line if he has too. He’s had bad luck all year long and at the half way point of the season looked well beaten. But then he put a run of wins together and suddenly he was back in the hot seat.

How did we get here?

Nico; Ten poles, five fastest laps for five victories and two DNF’s

Lewis; Seven poles, seven fastest laps for ten victories and three DNF’s

Australia, Lewis easily on pole but a broken spark plug handed Nico the win

Malaysia, Lewis bounced back and dominated the weekend, Nico was second.

Bahrain, Nico tried to assert some authority but Lewis slammed the door in his face and took a superb win under the lights. Nico settled for second again.

China and Lewis on a roll now with three wins in a row, Nico still second.

Spain and Lewis makes it four in a row, Nico looked a bit grim on the second step of the podium again.

Monaco was all about Nico, who with a “mistake” on his last Q3 run, prevented Lewis from getting pole and demonstrates how far he was prepared to go for the title. Lewis stood on the second step of the podium this time with a face like thunder. A line had been crossed.

Canada and both Mercs hit trouble whilst fighting for the win, Lewis failed to adapt to the brake issue but Nico changed his driving style and brought it home second to Ricciardo and retained his championship lead.

Austria and Nico holds Lewis at bay for the whole race for another Merc 1-2

Britain and Lewis, feeding off the crowd roared home to an emphatic victory on home soil as Nico hits trouble for his first DNF of the season

Germany after Lewis had a big accident in qualifying; he fought back to third but could do nothing about Nico out front.

Hungary and this was Lewis’s drive of the season for me! The car burst into flame on his first Saturday qualifying lap and had to start from the pit lane as the rain began to fall on Sunday. Nico from pole took a comfortable lead as Lewis almost crashed at the second corner he got to, but he went on to spank the car round the wet track.  He had enough time to tell the team what it could do with its team orders, then gives Nico a lesson in overtaking and defensive driving and ends up third after a quite magnificent drive. Nico was eventually fourth and looked stunned.

Then we get to the defining point of the season, Belgium.

Nico had made qualifying look easy, Lewis may have dominated the practise sessions all so far but it’s been Nico at the front for the parade lap on Sunday. But time and again he has failed to turn those poles into wins.  Until in Spa, tired of losing the lead when the lights went out yet again, Nico “fumbled” his attempt to retake the lead and took Lewis out of the race.  He still didn’t win either, Ricciardo drove to his third career win and on the podium Nico was roundly booed by the crowd. After the race, Lewis accused Nico of deliberately driving him off the road and Mercedes appeared to back the accusation, Nico admitted he had “refused to be pushed around” and would do it again to prove he was no pushover. Mercedes made him sit on the naughty step for week afterwards.

Nico, whilst leading the race made two unforced errors in Monza and handed the psychological advantage and victory to Lewis. Some red faced loons claimed it was all a Mercedes plot to penalise Nico for putting emotions before the team. I think it was more to do with the booing he got standing on the podiums at Spa. He was second again and still got booed

Singapore was Lewis at his very best; Nico’s car popped its wiring loom on the way to the grid and refused to reset however many steering wheels they replaced. Lewis just drove off into the distance as Nico stared at the telemetry from the pit wall.

Japan was wet, miserable and everyone was glad to leave. Lewis passed Nico with ease in the rain but there wasn’t much racing on show that Sunday. It looked like Nico was now going for the Prost route to the title; just keep coming second until everyone forgets your still there. Then pop up at the end and claim the big silver cup.

Russia was another unforced error from Nico and possibly the easiest win of Lewis’s career. Yet again Nico looked uncomfortable in second as the watching public woke up and wondered where the last two hours had gone!

The race in America was Lewis again taking the victory from the pole sitting Nico. The pass was cool calculated and once again made to look effortless. Nico shuffled up to his usual spot as the red faced loons claimed Lewis was now unstoppable.

But Brazil was all Nico, Lewis just didn’t have an answer to Nico who was always one step ahead of his team mate. When it really mattered Lewis made the unforced error and gave Nico a life line to the championship. Lewis stood on the second step for a change and claimed it was no big deal.

So here we are and in the end the double points won’t make a difference. The difference between the two is such that if this were a normal scoring round, whoever beat the other would be champion.

It’s been a great season on the track this year and I really hope we get a race that puts the cherry on the top of it all. What started as a season about lack of engine noise and “It’s all so boring when Ferrari don’t win”. Has turn into an enthralling, close, exciting battle between two well matched team mates. The team has generally let them get on with the racing, only when Nico over stepped the mark at Spa did they wag a finger and remind the boys there was a constructors title at stake too.  The FIA has kept its Ban hammer under wraps for most of the season, with far too much going on off track to stick their oar into the results.

And unfortunately I think it’s those off track machinations that could well be what the season is remembered for. Formula one faces a crisis as the smaller teams fight for less and less money. We’ve lost Marussia but Caterham are supposed to be back for the final round in Abu Dhabi with a scratch squad of drivers and pit lane staff.

Sauber, Lotus and Force India are starting to verbalise their displeasure at what they see as the unfair division of funds between then top team and them. “Ferrari, Redbull, McLaren and Mercedes are well funded manufacturer teams, why do they get such a large slice of the TV and sanction fees” they ask. The FIA look at Bernie who shrugs and claims it’s the way of things.

And talking of Bernie, he has become increasingly erratic with his pronouncements this year. He started the year telling us all that we didn’t like the sound the new cars were making and he was sorry for us, then despite all the evidence he told us the racing was rubbish because Ferrari wasn’t winning and that’s what we really wanted to see, wasn’t it!  Then almost smiling with glee as the two back of the grid teams fall apart, he told us that they were rubbish and they should have never been racing in the first place.

He told young race fans that, because they don’t buy Rolex watches or bank with UBS they weren’t wanted. Forgetting in his hast to get to the airport before the muddy scum on the banking perhaps, that they are the ones buying the billions of cans of Redbull and filling their cars with Shell fuel. His latest plan is to ban all social media and internet journalists from the F1 grid because they are generating free content which he cannot monetize.  Demonstrating to everyone how laughably out of touch he now it with the modern world.  There’s no official F1 instagram feed I can find, Facebook and twitter are devoid of interesting behind the scenes content. Team accounts are PR’d to the eyeballs and so asinine you have to wonder who is really delivering the content. If you did nothing but get your news of each race through the Redbull social media output for example, you would be under the mistaken belief that they have won every race this year and Vettel has already been crowned champion.   

The F1 app in its basic free form gives you the leader board of the race with lap times and a massive banner offering to give you more information if only you would part with £30 a year.

The WEC app by comparison, for free gives you a leader board with gaps, laps times, sector times, onboard views in fact it falls over itself offering you content. The F1 app is there to make money for Bernie; if you do pay it’s very good I'm told. But I already pay Sky to watch the races live, now I have to pay to see where my favourite teams and drivers are? This disconnect between entertaining and informing the punters and just trying to fleece them for every penny they have it too great now. We are only welcome if we have money and lots of it. Poor people are not wanted and anyone giving away content to these free loaders is certainly not welcome.

Something has to change over the winter, or the whole thing will implode next year.

Right enough, don’t forget that this is a double points round for us too, Caterham are going to be there but I have no idea as yet who their drivers will be. I’ll replace the drivers you can choose from when I know, and they’ll be in race number order.

There is a rumour that Max might have bought himself one last ride.

Good luck everyone.

Oh and Alonso will finally sign for McLaren this weekend ;)

He's BEHIND you !!!!!!

Our players have been assigned their rolls and costumes have been donned, lines learnt and props … propped. Now it’s on with the lights, let the entertainment commence 

Lewis as our plucky hero, robbed of his rightful inheritance, he has to travel the world searching high and low for the magic points with which to defeat;
Nico, our Panto villain with his dashing good looks and a twinkle in the eye. He has beguiled Lady Luck into a tawdry affair and trapped her in a never ending cycle of champagne and bratwurst parties.

 

Lady Luck the beautiful but fickle heiress to a large silver cup with the words “F1 world champion” written on it. Sister to the Goddess of not driving on the wet lines you idiots and the countess lady have you tightened that fuel line Kevin. She is the love interest of our Hero who hopes to rescue her from incarceration in the Mercedes hospitality suit. 

Monza was the last of the European season and now we head off for the start of the home stretch for the quest of the chase for the title.

Singapore

Japan (Suzuka)

Russia (Sochi) … probably will happen now.
America (Circuit Of The Americas)
Abu Dhabi (Yas Marina)

With the double pointer in Abu Dhabi, that’s a maximum of 150 points  up for grabs. Which means this thing is going to go down to the wire.

We’ve not had a wet race for a long time, so the weather Gods have perked up and look set to dump a load of rain all over the Singapore circuit this weekend. If that happens I’m not sure they’re going to actually race, I’m pretty sure a wet street circuit at night is going to be too much of a PR risk for the chaps in race control so I imagine there will be a lot of safety car action.

If its dry, well Lewis is my favourite, he’s a bit of a whizz around street circuits and like Monaco, loves this place. Its more open and flowing than Monaco but shill punishes the drivers who like to push things to the limit. Nico is almost certainly going to be in championship protection mode now. He doesn’t need to win every race so he can sit behind Hamilton and hoover up the points. No need to get all puffed up to prove anything now.

This could be a good one for Danny as the circuit shares a lot common with Hungary, lots of flowing hairpins with low grip and Redbull have been talking up his chances. Renault are making noises about a pole on Saturday, something I think is beyond them realistically if the Mercs are on song as usual. But it’s a mark of how far the engine team has come from the start of the year, where finishing in Australia was considered an amazing result. So Danny on the podium is a pretty confident bet.

Ferrari could be a surprise package here, the car is a dog but a wet or soggy circuit would level the field for them. Dry and they’ll be behind the Merc/Redbull race, scrapping it out with Williams who missed their shot for the win in Monza and this place isn’t for them. They’ll be top five at best on a dry track.

Williams are now targeting a championship position ahead of Ferrari so a press statement from Ferrari saying, they are starting to work on their 2015 car now and have no interest in racing anymore, will be welcome news to the boys from Didcot. Ferrari isn’t going to win anything so there’s no point busting a nut trying to chase a lost cause.  There’s pride and expectation of course, but they don’t pay the for Kimis’ ice cream bill.

 

Further back and Kobayashi is allowed to keep his seat for another week as Caterham grub around in the dirt and behind the sofa for any loose change to pay for stuff. The hot rumour doing the rounds in Monza was whether Christian Albers, the new team boss after the fire sale, was still working for the team. The answer came a few hours after the race when he quit for “private reasons”, which appear to be the fact the new corporate owners had failed to pay for anything and had stopped answering the phone to him.  

If this team was in prison it would have a 24 hour suicide watch standing over it. The chances of them making it to the end of the season are looking more and more remote by the hour.

Also having a few sleepless nights are the Lotus team, with lots of rumours floating about suggesting there are still suppliers looking to be paid for work undertaken months ago. Into these dark clouds was dropped the incendiary news that the Merc engine deal was less than certain due to the German engine builders still waiting for the first down payment. The Lotus management of course denied there was any sort of problem whilst visibly sweating and avoiding any sort of eye contact.  

Anyway.

Singapore looks absolutely gorgeous in HD on your TV, I imagine it looks even better live. The track usually throws up a bit of a race with plenty of overtaking and last of the late breakers. It should a be good race, with lots to watch though the field.

Lewis and Nico upfront, Danny continuing to impress and Vettel looking grumpy.

The Williams and Ferrari fight, as Force India and McLaren look to capitalise on any mistakes they make.

Don’t forget to update your predictions before midnight tonight.

Hamilton saves but Danny wins the day ...

It’s not often in a year I get to say this twice, but my God .. What a race that was ! I though Bahrain was going to be the highlight of the year.  But throw in a bit of moisture and stick some drivers out of position and Hungary delivers a belter of a race.

It all looked like it was going to be another dull-a-thon on Saturday when Lewis managed two thirds of a lap before his car burst into flame. He was be all over this track on Friday and Saturday morning, it looked like all he had to do was get out of bed on Sunday and he was going to walk away from Hungary with a comfortable win. But the damn thing sprung a fuel leak as he open his qualifying campaign and then rolled to a fiery stop just inside of the pit entry road.

And it just looked like “Yet more Hamilton bad luck”, as though the fickle patron saint of gamblers and daredevils had deserted him once more, Lady Luck was in the garage next door sipping champers and feasting on bratwurst. This did give a chance for the Red face loons to work up another froth of conspiracy paranoia, however. Apparently having paid enough money to bank roll a small third world dictatorship to get Lewis to come to Mercedes, they were now sabotaging their English driver in favour of the German driver!

I mean how stupid do you have to be to believe that sort of tin foil hatted nonsense? Time and again Mercedes have said the drivers are free to race and it’s all open and honest. No one is being favoured unless there is a damn good reason for it.  Mercedes aren’t stupid; they watched as Redbull and Ferrari got all that bad PR for those “Vettel/Alonso/Schumacher – is faster than you” calls.  They know the value we, the fans, place on letting the boys ‘have at it’.  So no, there was no special secret button that Toto pushed to grenade Hamilton’s engine. It was just a simple error by a mechanic who missed tightening a fuel line.

But, having to rebuild the car meant he was going to start from the pit lane, there was no car to put into park ferme, the boys were in for a long night. Joining them were the McLaren boys after Magnussen discovered the track was just that bit too wet for slicks on the final qualifying run. Rain had been threatening and only decided to turn up as the last ten drivers took to the track for the final time. Rosberg crossed the line to start his of three runs and when he got to the first corner discovered there was no grip at all. He narrowly avoided a trip to the tyre wall, as Kev turned up seconds later and wasn’t so lucky. He mashed the front of the car as it ploughed straight into the first solid object in his path.

Once that was all cleared away, Rosberg made the Mercedes pit wall sweat a bit and gave the Redbull boys three minutes of hope. Before cruising to an easy pole and what looked like an easy win on Sunday.

Except on Sunday it didn't work out quite like that. A massive rain storm dumped a swimming pool load of water on the track before the start. Cars were doing multiple pre grid laps to see where the grip was or wasn’t. Full wets or inters which way to go ? There didn’t appear to be much standing water, but the forecast was for more rain after half an hour of racing. It looked like the pit wall was going to win this race. A driver can only tell you what the track is doing under his backside at that very point in time, he has no idea if the corner he went through 1.24 minutes ago in the damp is going to have the same grip the second, third or fourth time round. His pit wall has to tell him when and if the rain is starting or stronger or if it’s clear now. A pit wall gives the driver confidence and a good call can make all the difference, as McLaren and Mercedes found out.

So it’s a wet start and the teams are expecting more rain. The red lights go out and they all get off the line cleanly, Rosberg is a bit tentative, but is soon off into the distance. Vettel doesn’t quite have the grip or the faith in the front end and is jumped by Bottas. Alonso makes his usual lightening start and is soon past Danny and Vettel.

Hamilton and Kev leave the pits after everyone has gone past and we sit back to watch Hamilton fight his way back to the top ten. Given how far ahead Rosberg is after three corners it looks like the Plucky Brits fight back is going to be the only thing worth watching.

But then the TV cuts back to the on board camera above Hamilton’s head and we have a view of the car facing the wrong way and bouncing along a guard rail .... now that’s not supposed to happen. And here we have our first “pit wall moment”. You still have to remind world champions that a car that hasn’t done its warm up lap is going to have cold brakes and tyres, it seems. So you’ve just rebuilt the car that tried to torch itself and given it to a man that has had nothing but bad luck this year. Understandably, he is going to be a bit nervous of the car don’t you think?.  Once Lewis has the thing pointing in the right direction the lads on the pit wall spent a lot of time trying to calm their driver down and reassure him that his car was fine. It looked like it was going to be a long afternoon.

Not having a long afternoon was Ericsson. Who managed to avoid hitting Maldonardo by spearing off the road and testing the battering ram on the front of his car. The tyre wall won that little encounter and the first safety car of the day was despatched to allow the marshals to clean the mess away. Unfortunately for Rosberg, Vettel and Bottas the safety car was called for just as they went past the pit entry line, as everyone else dived into the pits for new tyres, the leaders had to do one more lap before they could come in.

Just as it was all going to get started again, Grosjean forgot the golden rule. “Don’t touch the white lines when it’s been raining, you idiot” and left the queue of cars following the safety car to test how strong the front of his car was against a tyre wall, once again the tyre wall won. So we had another couple of laps behind the safety car to clear up that mess.

Which all left Button behind Danny by some strange quirk of fate, which leads to out next “pit wall moment”, as Jenson called to his pits and asked “Lads, why did you put me on inters again when the rest of them are on slicks?” the pit wall called back to say, “There’s more rain coming son, now off you go”.

Hamilton was now behind Vettel, who was following Rosberg who had a smoky rear brake as he sat behind the Torro Rosso of Vergne. “Right” we thought, “just a matter of time before the Merc’s are passed this lot and fighting for the lead”. Maybe Lady Luck was eschewing bratwurst for fish and chips for a change! Starting from the pits then an accident at the second corner and now just two places behind his pole starting team mate, aye aye, fireworks ahoy.

Except the Mercs didn't seem to be able catch or let alone pass the cars in front of them. Try as he might, Lewis was stuck behind Vettel and Rosberg just wasn’t close enough to Vergne. Lap after lap saw them concertina up and then drift apart on the start finish line.

Up the front Jensen’s “inters experiment” lasted one lap before the rest of the field streamed past him as the pit wall was forced to concede that, “no, no there’s no more rain coming today Jenson ... sorry”.

Things looked static for a bit with Danny leading Massa, then the wily old fox Alonso, Vergne doing a great job, Rosberg not doing any sort of job, Vettel throwing it around like it was his first 1.2 ltr low insurance hot hatch and Hamilton worrying about how hot his arse was getting.

Time for Perez to step up to the mark and test his car against a wall, yes he too forgot the golden “Wet white lines, you idiot” rule and smeared the front of his car down the pit wall this time. Time for more safety car fun and yet another important “pit wall moment”. With more than half the race to go, do you call the boys in for hard tyres and get them to the end ? or go softs and make it two stops to the flag ?

Danny came in for softs and two stops, Massa went for the hard tyres and one stop the others stayed out and held their cards close to their chests. Alonso now led from Vergne who must have got a nose bleed that high up the pack.  Hamilton sensing something could be on here and damn it wasn’t it his turn for some luck was on a roll. Rosberg sick of being “stuck” behind Vergne, pitted and was followed in by Vettel who didn't have much rubber left. Lewis caught Vergne and in the biggest ballsiest move of the championship so far, went past him exactly the way Nico hadn’t done. The win could definitely be on here, come on Lady Luck.

Alonso pitted, followed by Hamilton a lap later and Ricciardo was back in the lead. When it all shock out Hamilton on the hard tyres was looking to go to the end and Rosberg was behind him on soft rubber and needed to get past. And here is our last “pit wall moment” of the day. Nico needed to get past to gain enough time for his last pit stop. Lewis didn't have the time to slow down to let him past. Nico, suddenly learnt that “fumbling a corner in Monaco” can actually have repercussions, it is remembered and good mates can bare a grudge.

Nico: “Why isn’t he letting me past?”

Pit Wall: “Lewis, get out of his way”

Lewis: “Sorry, you’re break kkereppppaaaoowowowow ing up there, what?”

N: “He’s in my way still, what gives?”

PW: “Lewis, Nico is on a different strategy, let him past on the straight.. okay?.”

L: “Sorry, did you say two Bombay duck curries and a pint of carling?!?!?!?!!11?!”!!!”

N: “SIR .....wwwwwwhy is hheeeeee stilllll in myyyyy wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!”

L: “well alright, if he gets closer I’ll let him past”

 N: “Sssiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

PW: “Well we told him and he said you’re not close enough and you shouldn’t have been mean to him in Monaco and you didn't invite him to your wedding and he’s pretty pissed off about that”

N: “I told him, there weren’t enough chairs at the registry office to invite him and Nicole”

PW: ” Well we told you to in invite him and now this has happened, so it’s your own fault really. Look hang back a bit, and wait till you get the next set of tyres, you can over take him at the end .. okay”

N: “Well okay .. But I'm going to be slightly grumpy about this and look a bit perplexed when I explain it all to the BBC later, during which I shall make passive aggressive comments about being fair and playing for the team etc etc etc etc”

hmmm maybe I should have found more seats .....

So Nico dropped back and left Alonso, Hamilton and a fast approaching Ricciardo to duke it out. And what a finale it was! I think races should be won with overtaking moves, chess games of who’s going to pit last are fine, but there’s is just nothing like three cars actually fighting for the win. This being Hungary it looked like Alonso in the lead would be able to hold off Lewis and Danny, he’s got the smarts, knows how to win a race and isn’t going to get flustered by cars weaving around behind him. But Danny is a force of nature right now and now is a good time to put his season into some sort of context.

He has never driven a good car, okay, the Torro Rosso was always a bit of a second hand parts bin special which had some good days but mostly was there to make up the numbers. Danny did alright but didn’t really impress me that much.  So this car, this 2014 Redbull is the best car he has ever driven. And on the flip side and very importantly it’s the worst car Vettel has driven in four years.  So whilst Vettel is struggling to get comfortable in the car, to find a rhythm or feel the car alive under him, Danny is amazed at how much better this car is in his experience.

So Danny is on fire (not in a Hamilton way), he’s got a car under him that responds to his inputs, is being improved race after race and he’s loving it. No one was going to stop the grinning fool today, he was unstoppable, and he was unbeatable. Straight past Hamilton, whose tyres suddenly didn't look quite so resilient, up to Alonso and bang, up the inside, turn one thank you and goodbye. Job done.

Hamilton found himself for a second week following a car that wasn’t going to let him past for a better podium spot. Except this time Nico was behind him and on a charge. The German caught his team mate with a handful of laps to go and it looked like only a matter of time before he stole the podium off the plucky Brit. Lady luck was back on the German sausage it seemed. But Lewis has been robbed of points too often this year and this time he wasn’t giving up. As they began the last lap Lewis got a tank slapper out of turn one and it looked all over, Nico went to the outside to get track position through turn two for the pass into three, Lewis brakes as late as he dared and ran Nico to the outside of the track and for a split second it looked like we were going to end up with two silver cars smeared down the Armco and a proper handbags on the apex fight !!!!! But Nico, thinking of the points lead no doubt, backed out at the very last second and left Lewis to take the final podium spot.

Hamilton did have the good grace to look like he hadn't enjoyed beating his team mate as he sprayed the champagne around at the end. Whilst Nico got to look wistfully at the cameras and be slightly perplex at the various post race interviews. Win win really for those two. Nico is still in the lead of the championship and Lewis has Lady Luck back on side.

Gosh that was long wasn’t it ... right I have a bag to pack for my holiday so the next bit is quick.

Ricciardo won and that was probably the best drive I’ve seen from him. He had a plan, stuck to the plan and it paid off. He didn’t try and second guess what everyone else was doing, he just drove what he had to the best of his abilities and he won. Well done him.

Alonso was second and again thoroughly deserved that result. He doesn’t have the best car but he knows how to bring sub standard machinery home when the opportunity presents itself.

Hamilton was third with a drive from the pit lane and an accident on the first lap. Just think what he could do if he didn't have a problem in qualifying or a car that broke down. He deserved this as it was yet another example of how you should win championships, never give up, never settle for the points and never wait for the pit stops to pass the other cars, get out there and drive it like you stole it! By God I love him

Nico was fourth and pretty much got owned today, he should have tried harder to pass Vergne, yes okay he was unlucky with first safety car, but Lewis showed the car could overtake anywhere, why couldn’t Nico do it ?

Massa was fifth and another victim of a poor pit call, they out him on hard tyres to get to the end but far too early, he had to make a late call to the pits for fresh rubber and didn't have the fight to make it work. Still he’s finished a race at last so that’ll give him some confidence.

Kimi had a nightmare qualifying run, failing to make it out of Q1 through idiocy rather anything he did. His pit wall team didn’t think they had anything to worry about when Maldonardo and Hamilton stopped before the action had started, so Kimi did one run and waited for the next session. Except Bianci of all people suddenly remembered what the loud pedal was for and out qualified the stationary Ferrari to move into Q2. There were a few vague shrugs and Kimi’s engineer picked up the phone to offer Luca his bollocks on a plate.

So after all that to make it into the top ten and sixth place is something of a save. Mostly because of the safety cars and a bit of luck, but he didn't mess it up and gets a good result in the end. I don’t think it’s going to do him much good in the end though, the word is Bianci is a nailed on certainty for 2015 and Kimi is going to be selling ice cream on Monaco harbour next summer.  

Vettel was seventh in the end and I'm not sure why. I think it was because of the first safety car or because he doesn’t actually have any talent. He certainly didn’t look like he was enjoying the ride when Hamilton was behind him, and seem mighty relieved to get out of the car at the end. My personal highlight was seeing his face when they came to do the team photo call at the end for Danny’s victory. No finger waving to be seen for a thousand miles and a “no, I'm going to sit way back over here behind my engineers and not next to the new golden boy thank you matey” attitude. 

Humility seems to just about suit him. Okay, to be fair there were no toys out of the pram tantruming this week and he’s not flouncing around as much as he could do. And you don’t win four championships with no talent. But Ricky boy has got two wins now and Vettel hasn’t looked close to that this year so far. Maybe he praying Pirelli will change their tyres again and he can win all the remaining races like normal.

Have we got time to sign Kimi ?

Bottas was definably a victim of the first safety car in eighth. The car looked okay with the new updates, but seemed to struggle on the tight stuff. They’ll have better luck in Spa and Monza.

Vergne was ninth and on merit I think. He drove away from Rosberg who might have had a brake calliper issue, but the Torro Rosso driver didn’t balls it up and delivered about what the car is capable of. He and Kvyat can usually be found back here so it’s a result really.

And Tenth was Button, who was a victim of the pit wall spending too much time looking at the weather channel and not enough looking at the sky or the people around them. I'm pretty sure he wasn’t going to win anything, but a top five was on the cards with a bit more actual thought. He did what he could with the cards dealt to him, the strategy team messed this one up for him.    

Okay.

Rosberg got the fastest lap chasing down the proper racing drivers and still failed to get a podium.

Hey hey hey ... look who it is .. Yup it’s that puppy dog grin and the happy go lucky attitude. Ruffle his hair and give him a treat, Max is dead last yet again! He’s like a five point machine for us. We should send him a thank you card at the end of the year.

What's the right pedal for again ?

Okay, I'm off on holiday and I might write a midterm report whilst I'm sipping red win and floating down the Canal Du Midi ... or not.

Part two of this fascinating 2014 championship starts at the end of August with the Belgian GP at Spa. Until then, go out and get some sun, its lovely out there people.

Stop it you two !!

Okay, nanny has picked up all the toys from around the prams and the two children have been told to hug and make up. Fingers were wagged, grudging apologies awkwardly mumbled and promises that it won’t happen again waved away.

Will it make a difference in Canada, not a chance.

Would you want it any different? No, me neither.

The great years of Formula have always been booked ended by huge ego’s getting all puffed up and throwing their weight around. Senna and Prost, Schumacher and Hill, Mansell and the whole world. All classic years where the racing was dominated by what the protagonists were saying about each other in the press. Snide remarks about favouritism from the team, unfair advantages and broken gentleman’s agreements, were always fun to read about. Okay Nigel whinging on about how it was all so very hard for him could get a little boring, but watching uncomfortable post-race interviews where one driver quite clearly wanted to smack the winner in the face, make great TV. And during the Senna/Prost years that was often the most entertaining thing.

But I’m afraid they were the good old days, the chance of a punch up on pit lane have receded as the faceless PR suits have grown in power and quashed any sort of chance of an embarrassing outburst. The last really good ill-tempered spat was between Hamilton and Massa, and had more to do with Massa getting a shafting from Ferrari than either of them driving dangerously.

Nope, all the good personal vendettas are in the past now. Lewis and Nico will be a bit grumpy in front of the camera and that’ll be your lot.

As for this weekend, the question is going to be, how much did Nico’s “sportsmanship” affect Lewis. Will he come out all guns blazing and totally dominate the weekend to prove a point? Or will he be all messed up in the head and overdrive the thing into the wall?

Historically Lewis is win or bust here. It’s another of those tracks that really suit his style. Nico though is on the up now with his “win” in Monaco so he’s coming to be brimming with self-belief and confidence, always a difficult combination to beat.

Further back, well Danny has been the best of the rest so far, Vettel is due some luck. But the Renaults might not have the top end grunt to hold off the faster Merc cars. I’ve got a Force India on the podium here, I think this place will suit the car and drivers. Alonso to be there or there abouts, Kimi’s still not happy in the car. Williams and McLaren will continue the fight and Lotus could well join the battle here, watch out for Maldonado everybody !!

One corner of one lap and the title might have been decided...

Okay.... 66 practice laps, 26 qualifying laps and 78 racing laps; a grand total of 170 laps in three days.  In all that time except for one lap, the most important lap of the entire weekend, when nothing else really matters, when Nico Rosberg couldn’t get his car slowed down enough to make the turn into the Mirabeau corner.

It’s a tricky little corner no doubt. Over the crest of the hill at Casino, the car dancing around the lumps and bumps, the track falling away left and right as it plunges downhill into the right hander and the slowest corner of the whole championship. It’s not a particular important corner either without any championships, up to this point, being won or lost on this short piece of smooth black tarmac.

But as Nico attempted just one more lap in the dying seconds of final qualifying he got it all crossed up out of Casino and just missed the braking point for Mirabeau. Not particularly dramatic, a snatched brake, a wobbly drive up the narrow escape road, no harm done.  Except at Monaco that sort of mistake brings out lots of waved yellow cloth and screws up the next few cars that whizz past you, on what was also their last chance at moving up the qualifying grid. And who do you think was right behind the Mercedes driver? Buy wait who is this? Isn’t that our plucky friend Mr Hamilton and what do you know.. He’s on one of his famous pole stealing “hot laps” that would secure pole and beat his team mate, Mr Rosberg.

No chance of that now, the waved yellows mean “slow down there lads, we have a driver in trouble” You can’t go getting your fastest lap of the weekend with a yellow flag being waved in your face, no sire bob!

Then just to make sure he wasn’t in anyone else’s way, Nico reversed back onto the circuit and carried on the chequered flag and the end of qualifying. Well what do you know ... he was on pole because no one had gone faster than him on their last lap ... gosh!

There wasn’t even muttering from the hacks on the pit wall and wits in the garages. Pretty much to a man or lady they all came out and said straight to camera. “Yeah, that was pretty cynical of Nico”.

As the two Merc drivers climbed from their cars to face the flash bulbs and cheers from the crowd, Nico looked like he’d just won the world championship there and then. Lewis looked like he was biting back more than the desire to speak his mind.  I don’t think he even bothered to shake Nico’s hand. Lewis, along with a lot of other drivers was clearly of the opinion that he had been cheated out of pole by his own team mate. Just to rub it in, Rosberg than attempted to out smug Vettel in his pomp, in every interview he gave. I think he rather enjoyed himself, and the more grumpy Lewis looked the wider Nico’s smug grin got.

Now. okay, I'm one of Hamilton’s biggest fans. I love his style, his “let’s go racing yeah, enough talk, drive”. He’s a great driver. But he was behind Nico all weekend. Whenever it counted Nico went faster than him, I don’t think Lewis ever looked like he was in full control of the front row. Nico was faster than him, period. And when you look back at that final run, that he insists was going to be the new pole time, he was behind Nico by the time he got to Mirabeau. He was beaten fair and square, and I think he knows that deep, deep down.

And, I don’t really think that’s the sort of driver Nico is, Schumacher, was a cheating git from day one.  When he crashed you checked to see how it affected the championship before wondering how he was. Mickey could and would use every incident to his advantage, legal or not. But like his father, Nico has always played it with a straight bat, but then again, he’s never been in the car that will win the world championship before. That sort of thing can make people do odd things.

Maybe the pressure of Lewis behind him just got the better of him and he tried that little bit too much, knowing full well that the Merc that started second was going to be the car that finished second. He’s always gone well here and perhaps he pushed it too much and made an honest mistake. The reversing back onto the circuit was a bit cynical in my opinion, but as for the initial mistake, no I think that was just “one moment” in an otherwise exemplary weekend. The basic fact is Nico was too good for Lewis when it mattered this time.

As for the race, it was dull, all the good stuff happened on Saturday, Rosberg got it off the line cleanly, Hamilton didn’t hit him at turn one (as some had hinted he would when he said he’d sort the matter out like Senna). After that it was all extremely processional. As it pretty much always is. You can’t overtake here unless the driver lunges it up the inside and catches the driver ahead napping. Rosberg wasn’t going to fall asleep and Hamilton knew that not finishing was going to be more than a bad PR job. Sit back, apply some pressure, and accept the points, live to fight another day, cross his team mate off his Christmas card list.   Further back Vettel had more bad luck, Kimi forgot how to apply the word “professional” to his driving and errr some stuff happened, I may have fallen asleep as some point, the race for the minor places was interesting, the front, less so.  Oh and for the first time in what I think is 40 years, Lewis “got something in his eye” and could only drive with one eye open for a few laps.  How times have changed, Nigel used to complain that all that changing gear gave him blisters the size of golf balls, these days it’s grit in the eye..

So Nico won, and goes back to the top of the table. Slapped Lewis down on Saturday and made sure this title race isn’t going to be a one horse affair. It will go a long way to dismissing any self doubt he’d had after coming second in the last 4 races. Nope. He’s always gone well here and this was no different, the car looked good all weekend, nothing scary or wild, just smooth and in control, job done now on to Canada next which will be a bit more of a challenge.

Hamilton was second and looked pretty grumpy all weekend. Fair enough you can’t win them all and at least he made it back to the podium this time. Nico is proving to be a tough nut to crack for Lewis and even though he’s got more wins he needs Rosberg to have a few mechanical failures, or that DNF in Australia is going to prove very costly. Canada next, which suits his style a bit more than Nico’s. If it’s wet, he should be the one to beat. The press has got itself into a bit of a tiz over the whole qualifying incident, the “team mates at war” headlines are being dusted off and hands are being rubbed together in glee down fleet street way. But, I think it’ll pass. Both drivers are pragmatic enough to move on and just ignore all the hoopla. Nico was evidently faster all weekend and Lewis knows there’s more than half a season left. The headlines will get written, but I imagine a lot of it will be exaggerated. The toys will get tidied up from around the pram and we’ll get on with the racing.

Danny is next and pretty much confirms his elevation to stardom. This is a driver’s circuit and to watch Danny hustle that Redbull though the swimming pole complex was sheer joy. Here is a driver who is right on top of his game, has total faith and commitment in the car and knows this is his chance to shine and damn it, he looked like he was having fun. Yet again Vettel fell foul of the “number two driver” curse with some engine gremlin or other, but he didn’t look as smooth or as fast as Danny at any point during the weekend.  Danny is now the Redbull driver it’s okay to like.

Alonso was fourth and pretty anonymous all race long. Head down, stay out of trouble, pick up the points blah blah blah. With Rosberg signing a new contract with Mercedes, the good seats for next year are disappearing fast. Unless Vettel, in a moment of madness, decides to swap seats with the Spaniard,  Alonso looks like he’s going to be stuck at Maranello and can kiss goodbye to ever getting a third title. Shame that.

Hulkenberg is his usual fifth and needed that to get his reputation back on track. The last few races have seen Perez get his act together, remember all that ho harr around the Mexican when he was at Sauber, everyone though he was the “next big thing”? Well he’s making the Hulk work this year and a few people are starting to question whether Nico is, ”all that” after all. It’s fashionable to point out when the Hulk beats Perez and then look the other way when the result is reversed. Maybe Perez is just being lucky, perhaps not. But Hulkenberg needs a really good result soon or his stock is going to start dropping fast.

Button, sixth, took out Perez on the first lap and then avoided anything like an over take all afternoon. This is a better result than the last few races, but what has happened to that podium car in Australia?

Massa seventh and didn’t crash into anyone.

Grosjean gets some points for Lotus at last, the car still looked to be a real handful and there is obviously still a lot of work needed there, maybe the prize money will help to pay some of their bills.

Lordy be and save us all It’s a new name to the top ten!!! Last seen bouncing around the back of the grid in an noncompetitive GP2 car, its Bianci in a Marussia, no I can’t quite believe it either. And all credit to them here; they beat a McLaren, a Ferrari and the two Caterham’s. In the case of the two Caterham’s pretty much on pace.  He even clouted Kimi’s Ferrari and had a drive through, which they took illegally during the safety car period. They got pinged again and were given a five second penalty at the end of the race.  So in fact Bianchi was ahead of Grosjean’s Lotus on the track. I told you they were going places; I told you they had a super little team of engineers down there and look all that promise has paid off with two championship points. Which puts them ahead of Caterham (obviously) and now Sauber in the championship, hurrah for them. J

Finally Magnussen was tenth after Kimi “had a moment” and drove them both into the wall.

Kimi got the fastest lap by the way, after taking Kevin out, he had to go to the pits for a new nose and got some tyres into the bargain, que a couple of fast laps at the end to prove some sort of point.

And finally Max was last on the day he didn't crash when everyone else did and still he couldn’t beat them.

Okay that’s enough for now, Its the Le Mans test day next weekend, then the Canadian GP before the Le Mans week and some proper racing. ;) until then stay safe.  

Before all of that however, I'm off to the Le Mans Dinner in London for  Hope for Tomorrow. a charity that provides mobile cancers treatment service and Aspire a spinal cord injury support charity. I've never been to one of these things before, but the chance to pimp my photography and Blog whist getting drunk on some particularly fine wines whilst listening to some of my driving hero's, was not one to be missed. Wish me luck, things could get messy as one of the unwashed ordinary people, joins in with the beautiful people behind the velvet rope :)

Its all about clenched buttocks and big balls in Monaco.

Monaco then and this could be the one race this year that Mercedes don’t win.

An excited race fan earlier..

Because it’s not about power here, it’s all about car control and feeling; The ability to thread a cruise missile, pulsating with around 800bhp between two very solid triple Armco barriers. Whilst all the while trying to avoid being the one Maldonado crashes into this time.

Modern F1 one cars are alive with electronic brains and hydraulic nerve systems, they breath, they twitch they snarl and they bite. The drivers, well the good drivers not the ones with more money than brains, must take these monsters and guide them through the twisting concrete and steel jungle. They have to flow through the streets, caress the barriers to glide past the back markers and on to the finish line.

It also takes trust in the team to set the car up to respond the way the driver wants. A wrong set up call on the first day and they will be chasing a balance for the rest of the weekend. Nail it in practice one and the engineers still have to follow the track as it evolves, the grip building as more rubber is laid down.

The driver needs to feel the car responding and changing and then communicate that to the team, this is where the edge comes from that rewards them all with the champagne money shot and another trophy to add to the bulging collection.

But if the driver can’t get his head around the car and tags the wall a Newton too hard in practice or yet again smears his black and gold liveried car down the tunnel wall. It’s all over.

Monaco is won and lost on Saturday. Qualifying is where it’s all at, and is going to be a big marker for the title (between the Merc boys only) this year I think we have three contenders for pole; Hamilton, Vettel and Alonso.

Alonso is the most speculative of the three with a Ferrari that isn’t the best handling nor the fastest. But what the car lacks, the Spaniard makes up for … if his heart is in it. Because this is yet another year where he’s behind the leaders, he needs a miracle to help him fight for wins on regular tracks. The team is starting to play the blame game and the management are getting all Italian over whose fault it all is. There are desperate attempts to lure Adrian Newey away from Redbull, no one seems to be able to pull the whole thing together and just deliver a fast car with a fast engine. And Alonso knows this and you have to question his commitment to the cause. But a pole at Monaco, that would be something this year.

But Alonso was never one of the best at qualifying; he can read a race like no other and deliver points all year long but banzai it onto pole? Not so much. But, Monaco is about reading the track and the other drivers and his being there when it matters. I want his to be on the front row, just to prove how superb he is.

Then Vettel, well if Alonso can’t qualify, Vettel can certainly pull that rabbit out of the hat. It pains me to say this, but he is quite possibly the best driver at taking a superbly handling car to pole position. As long as he’s sure of the car under him, he’ll drive the nuts off it to the front of the grid. The Renault engine is down on power but Newey has delivered another sweet chassis for the German and here of all places that’s what you need. Barcelona showed that when he’s got his mojo on song and a pole here would get his head back to game mode. He’s got the car as long as he doesn’t over drive it trying to beat Danny boy.

Then we have Lewis. Who can take an awful car or a wonderful car and stick it on pole, except Nico can also take a wonderful car onto pole.  They won’t have such a power advantage this time out, there are no fast straights to speak of.  So car control is going to be the key, Lewis has said at pretty much every race so far that Nico is a master at setting the car up. He knows he’s going to have to go out there and just spank the car to the front.

This is going to be about who has the biggest balls; Nico, whose car will be set up beautifully, smooth, purring and dialed in. Or Lewis whose car will be loser, angrier and looking to bite back.

This is the place that these two will push it too much, where the friendship ends and the battle for the title moves into phase two – Team mates at war- one will end up in the wall, possible both as neither will want to give in to the other.

If you though Bahrain was tight, wait till lap red light goes out on Sunday, it’s going to be epic*

Right practice starts on Thursday for strictly French reasons here, so the deadline for updates is Wednesday midnight. Good luck all.

"I must not crash, I must not crash, I must not crash etc etc"

*If it turns into a 78 lap dull-a-thon it’s not my fault okay.

Ruthless and efficient.

Well, not the most exciting of races but it did liven up at the end. We finally saw a sort of return to form for Vettel, who appears to have copped the gremlin that was plaguing the number two car of Webber last year. How odd!

But really this was just another Merc flag to flag demolition job. They were 50 odd seconds ahead of Ricciardo at the end, even racing each other they were faster than anyone else. But unlike the last couple of years we don’t have to rely on the best of the rest to keep the front boys honest. The Merc pit wall was giving both drivers the chance to win here. There were no “Multi-21” calls or “Nico is faster than you” messages. As the race at the front continued, Lewis was told he needed six seconds to defend his lead and Nico was told he needed to be two seconds behind to give him a chance at the end. No team order here then, this was proper racing.

And it’s a smart move by Mercedes. They have no real challengers; well Redbull might start to eat into the lead ... a bit. But the fight for the drivers title is between these two and the constructors is going to be theirs by the time we get to Hungary. So, where Ferrari and latterly Redbull were one driver focused teams who got a load of bad press for “fixing” races, Mercedes are letting the world know that they are letting their boys “have at it” and can bask in the glory. A good race with uncertain outcome means we all forget that they are miles ahead of the rest.

But they need to check their history books. McLaren played the same game and lost the title to Ferrari in ’07. Hamilton or Alonso should have been Champion that year but infighting and toy throwing left Kimi to pick up the points and claim the title.  I'm not suggesting for a second that Danny boy in the Redbull is going to sneak it, but it’s always worth checking the drivers behind before letting the boy’s trade paint. So far it’s been amicable, but as the mid season wears on, things might start to get edgy between the two sides of the garage. Nico is faster than Lewis, but he’s not winning the races.

Anyway, Redbull appear to be back on track, sort of. And all credit to Vettel here fifteenth to fourth is a top draw drive. And, I think it’ll be ranked as one of his best. He didn’t rely on people getting out of his way or pit strategy, he went out and passed googd solid drivers in comparable cars. It’s almost like he is a four times world champion or something!! Having said “oh he’s just an average driver who’s just doing what the car can do”, I find myself eating a small quantity of humble pie. He got the fastest lap as well, almost half a second faster than Hamilton’s best. Is this the dawning of a Redbull fight back? Given Danny was on the podium again and Vettel drove through the field, I think it might be. They’re ahead of the customer Merc cars, and Ferrari are slowly imploding, so it looks like Redbulls will be the ones keeping Mercedes honest.  

Right, okay then.

Hamilton wins his fourth race in a row and once again he wasn’t the fastest Merc driver but he was the winner. He also took pole with a certain amount of ease, he had to work up to it, but when the hot lap was required he delivered the goods.  It’s not easy, Rosberg is a knats chuff behind him and one snatched brake was all that was between him and victory. He’s not being gifted the wins by the team, he’s having to beat a driver that is faster than him for a lot of the race. And that’s the mark of a true champion. Go out there and pound the opposition into the dust. God I Love him !!!

Another weekend and another second for Rosberg and the question is, is Lewis just being luckier than Nico? And the answer is no, Nico is the one who is making the tiny mistakes that add up to being the first place loser.  A missed apex in qualifying and he’s second, and that’s all it takes. And that’s pressure from Hamilton. Because Lewis keeps saying, “Oh yeah, Nico is so much faster than me and I can’t figure out how he’s doing it!”. Nico is over driving the car to try and beat the plucky Brit, “Why can I not beat my friend, who I am faster than, for sure?” he is thinking and it’s burning away at his soul and he’s tensing up and making mistakes. Suddenly he starts to take risks to beat the other car and his “speed advantage” is lost. Nico needs to get his head fixed, pronto.

Ricciardo is third and let’s hope he gets to keep it this time. He certainly deserves it, although this wasn’t the most exciting race he’ll ever have. He got mugged by Bottas off the line, had a few goes at him, then relied on the pit strategy to sweep past and claim his podium. He’s turning into a proper little racer. Let’s see if the team let him continue with that as Vettel gets his act together.

Vettel was fourth with the drive of the day, and certainly his best performance of 2014 so far. A burned out wiring loom in practice meant very little running time, then a lost gear in qualifying meant a gearbox change and a grid penalty  back to fifteenth of all places. Far too close to Maldonado for anyone’s comfort, along with lots of new bloods down there trying to make a name for themselves. It took him a bit of time to get used to the fact the blue flags weren’t being waved for him anymore. But he was soon into the spirit of the thing with some top draw passes of Perez, Kimi and Alonso.  When a driver tells the team he wants a new car, it’s generally a desperate attempt to prove he’s still got the skills to pay the bills. “Lads, can you dig out that old car from under the dust cover and let’s see if that’s any better” is usually greeted with a resigned shake of the head and a flick though the driver markets. But this time it appears to have worked.  Is it all in his head? Maybe, this chassis wasn’t any more reliable after all, but sometimes just being told it’s a better chassis is all a driver needs.

Bottas, fifth and should really have been on the podium.  But at least he didn't have to sit behind Massa for the whole afternoon this time. But well Williams, whilst still better than McLaren, need to shake themselves up a bit and deliver some more of that pre season testing promise. Redbull are now in front of them and Ferrari isn’t too far behind.

Alonso was sixth and made hard work of it. The pit wall was trying to make things difficult for both drivers as they umm and erred about strategy. The car didn't look any faster than before, so I still don’t see a win for them anytime soon.

Kimi was seventh and can pretty much blame the pit wall team for that. He was leading at the first round of stop and should have gone in ahead of Alonso, but he got told to stay out and so had older tyres at the end of the race. I wonder who Ferrari will fire next?

Holy Mollie it’s Grosjean in a Lotus up next in eighth!!! No I don’t believe it either!

Perez was dull in ninth

And Hulkenberg was even duller in tenth, if such a thing is possible, the track not suiting the car apparently.

And in a titanic battle for last place our new best friend is Ericsson. Who was 20 seconds behind Max. Just imagine being able to make Max look good. How rubbish would you have to be to achieve that? Though given the implosion that Caterham are going through it’s an easier job that you would credit.  Apparently having designed a rubbish dog of a car, they’ve fired the head designer and rustled up a committee to do the development and design work for the rest of the year. Like that’s always worked throughout history.

And there are some ugly rumours going around that certain teams who are not in any way at all you understand, painted green or black and gold. Have yet to pay for their customer Renault engines this year. A scurrilous rumour put about by ill informed individual no doubt attempting to bring discord and chaos to two great teams that have a proven track record of paying up first time and every time the bailiffs arrive at the door.

Anyway it’s all good fun. The next race is in Monaco which will no doubt see the continuation of the Merc demolition. Can Lewis continue to dominate or will Nico get his act together ... hahah not a chance. J

It all starts here

Welcome to the new 1.6 litre V6 turbo engine era, which is augmented with energy recovery systems that harvest energy when braking and deliver power when accelerating. The teams have a lot more energy to play with and no limit on when or how much KERS they can use they also have less fuel than ever before and limits on fuel flow rate for the race.

Trick systems to limit wheel spin, keep the turbo spinning to reduce turbo lag and aid braking are now allowed. This is a completely new way of going racing, speed isn’t everything. Strategy and the careful use of the resources are what are going to get the car to the line first.  

That’s not to suggest the racing will be dull, if team A disappears off into the distance, team B will reach them eventually with their more conservative approach. Reliability is going to be of absolutely paramount importance. To finish first, first you have to finish and testing has shown that some teams had forgotten that.

Renault have got it very wrong, the engine is too hot and needs far more cooling than they realised.

Mercedes turned up to the first test, pressed the GO button and haven’t looked back.

Ferrari have a thirsty but fast engine.

The midfield is as tight as ever, the tail end Charlies could well be fighting for more than pride this year and its all change at the front.

Right then, here are the runners and riders of 2014. We have the team and the engine they will be using, the drivers and the numbers they have chosen to go into battle with.

Caterham – Renault

Because they couldn’t afford to spend any time or money on the car, they just went with a bunch of bits kicking around the back of the garage. This thing has radiators about the size of north Wales. And as a result they have done more laps than Redbull by a country mile. This thing is probably going to be the only Renault car that makes it to the finish line in Australia. They actually stand a pretty good chance of getting some points. And if that happens we might start to see the, conspicuous by his absence, Tony Fernandez back in the pit lane.

He seems to have lost a bit of his love for F1 these past month, time was you could always rely on Tone to turn up on the post race show and tell the world that, “Caterham were going to be massive any minute now”.

But the results didn’t come and they were beaten into last place by Marussia last year.  So this year they’ve read the rules, realised that getting to the end is what’s going to count and built a car to do just that. They’re like the Ryan air of the F1 world. It’s the very definition of no frills racing, FINISH and the points will come, is the mantra.

19 – Ericsson: The latest cheque book to walk through the door. Apparently something of a whizz in the lower formulas, so you know, let’s see how he does. Realistically his job will be to beat Max.

10 – Kobayashi: Still crazy after all these years. Head and shoulders the best driver Caterham have ever had. He has, however been making some rather disparaging remarks about the car being slower than an F2 car and about as exciting to drive. So we’ll see how this relationship pans out.

Chance of a top ten – Maybe, certainly the best Renault engine for the first half of the season

Marussia – Ferrari

This could just be good year for these lads. They have lots of feisty new engineers and techy people from Cranfield and the like, which might mean it takes a bit to find their feet the higher up the field they go. But they defiantly are the small team it’s okay to root for, they still need money to keep up with the development curve so the early races are vital to impress wavering sponsors.

They did alright last year on less than a shoestring budget.

04 – Chilton: He’s still got a great name and you just have to love that happy puppy dog grin he has when he explains why he was three laps behind the winner.  Last year was an easy gig because the car was rubbish and he had no experience, now they have much better engine and he knows which way the tracks go. So he’d better not be 3 laps behind the winner this year.

17 – Bianchi: It turns out he wasn’t the next big thing, but he still has a big enough cheque book to keep his seat for yet another year. He’ll beat max again, probably the Caterham’s and possible a Renault car to two. 

Chance of a top ten – Reasonable as with Caterham, the Renault engine cars once again have problems

Williams – Mercedes

Lots of people are talking these boys and girls up. They didn’t have too many problems in testing, lots of miles on the car, they’ve got the Merc power unit that looks to be pretty much on song and they’ve got a lot of money from the new title sponsor Martini.

They also, and this is crucial, got rid of that idiot Maldonado and got Massa in who is alright when he isn’t being told to get out of Alonso’s way. This is going to be the year Frank and the team get it all together and they stand on the top step again. The car looks fantastic in its new livery, Bottas is solidly fast and Massa won’t stuff it in the wall each week.

I know I keep saying this, but I really do have a soft spot for Williams, they are a proper little team and they used to be such a power house of win back in the Honda days. They were the benchmark in the early 80’s but the glory is well behind them now and they are but a shadow of that team that took Nigel and Damon to the championship. They were plucky and innovative, British through and through and Frank deserves one more season in the sun before he retires. Go on Frank, lead the faithful back to the path of glory, back to the halls of Avalon and eternal Immortality.

19 – Massa: Has never been the same since the accident in Hungary, but he’s alright, he does what he needs to do and on a good day with a trailing wind he’s almost as fast as he was in the good old days. If you want a man to go out there and diver with his heart and soul this is the man. He used to be able to give Schumacher a run for his money when he was on top form and whilst I doubt those days will return he isn’t going to tool around getting in peoples way and smearing the car down the wall every race. He is, in fact, the perfect Anti Maldonado for the money. He’s a nice guy, who can help develop a car and pick up the points you need to win a championship.  

77 – Bottas: I really rate Bottas, he didn’t moan in front of the camera or bad mouth the team last year, he got his head down learnt the tricks of the trade and picked up the points when he could. He is fast, he isn't a liability and he’s got a car that can do the job needed.

Chance of a top ten – Excellent, maybe even a tilt at the constructors title.

Torro Rosso - Renault

They could well beat their big brother team this year with their conservative design which has allowed for more cooling. But yet again you have to ask why they bother, they’re not even really an off shoot of Redbull anymore, they’re an independent team that trains drivers for other Redbull .. or the dole. I think they’ll pick up points, here and there, maybe ... who cares ? 

25 – Vergne: still dull, can you picture his face ... No ? ... I can’t either, how about his nationality, without looking it up, where is he from, can you remember his accent ? That is all you need to know about him ... in fact is it even a him? It could just be a wax work of Lord Lucan for all you know, you have no idea who I'm talking about do you, it could be a big collection of old rags draped round the wax form of a disgraced member of the British aristocracy and you would have no idea. ... . I fully expect this to be Vergne’s last year, or possible first half of a season, before he gets lost in some airport on the other side of the world and the first the team realise he’s gone is when no one get in the car at the next race.

26 – Kvyat: Continues Putin’s attempts at world domination by the Russian war racing machine. Apparently he is better than expected, so he might be alright given the random season ahead. He cleared up in formula Renault or F3 or euro something or other. I have no idea but some commentators are talking him up so you never know.

Chance of a top ten – Meh, probably not. Maybe last place but yeah, the top ten could elude them if the Merc and Ferrari boys keep it on the grey stuff.

Sauber – Ferrari

It’s not as exciting as we’re used to seeing from the Swiss boys so far. This used to be the team Newey would always go and look at first; they had ideas, design detail and interesting bits. But they looked a bit out of sorts in Spain and Bahrain. The car didn’t look ready for the start of testing and one could, if they were feeling mean, could start to question where the finance is coming from again. They ran for three days with broken bodywork at the start of testing, new bits not ready of something, because, you know, the date for the start of testing is a big secret that only everyone else in the entire world knows about ! How could they possible know they needed extra cars bits ready for the first test which they knew nothing about ???  

 But its Sauber isn’t it. Not too exciting to look at, nothing really exciting on the pit wall and nothing really exciting at all sat in the car either. It’s all very average and a bit dull and not terribly interesting. Think of grey paint drying on a wet day with the window open and a damp breeze blowing gently into the room slowly moving little piles of dust in the corners of the room, it’s not quite cold enough to make you want to shut the window or indeed actually dry the paint. You sit staring dejectedly at the grey paint noticing where you’ve smudged a small area here, dabbed the skirting board there, it’s not enough to get up fix in the cool damp air. So the paint remains damp, slightly sticky and still very, very grey. That’s Sauber.

21 – Gutierrez: Gets another crack at looking useful in a race suit. Let’s see if he can avoid hitting anyone else this year. At least I know he’s Mexican, but the face is still a bit hazy, I'm not confident I could pick him out a police line up.... actually thinking about it .. is he Mexican ?

99 – Sutil: Swaps seats with Hulkenberg ... which is probably more to do with money than talent. But he’s alright, nothing spectacular, moments to slightly raise an eyebrow over perhaps. German, he is certainly German  though.

Chance of a top ten – errr, well yes, but .... sorry I can’t stop thinking about that grey paint !

Force India – Mercedes

This is the other dark horse of the field with its Merc engine they have the pace and as much reliability as the other customer Merc teams. They’ve had a bit of a choppy time in testing but when it all works bang on program it flies along and gives the works team a proper run for its money. But ... and this is a big BUT, once again you have to wonder how this is all being paid for ? VJ is still a shady character that you wouldn’t trust with your wallet or even the loose change in your pocket. His business partner Sahara has just been arrested in India for being extremely dodgy.

There are some ugly rumours being spread around that suppliers are not being paid in a timely fashion, that makes riding the development curve difficult if the guys supplying the nuts and bolts are waiting for cheques to clear before they send the next batch in.

Last year It was all a bit of a mess on the pit wall too, with some really wacky strategy calls and no one seemingly able to spot that a car going 7 seconds slower than a Marussia needed to come in and change its tyres. Then they’d save tyres in qualifying and not use them in the race! Maybe VY was hoping to get some money back when he returned them to Pirelli?

So if the rozzers don’t come storming in and arrest the management for embezzling the coffee fund and if they stopping making wacky strategy calls and just play to their strength (whatever they are now I come to think about it) they should be up there giving Ferrari a run for its money and wins could be on the cards.

11 – Perez: Still dull, got a bit of a pasting at McLaren so let’s see how his head is after being fired. If you need a driver to stand in front of the camera and nod stupidly whilst grinning inanely and Max isn’t available, Perez with his shed load of Mexican money is your man.

27 – Hulkenberg: I think Hulkenberg is the real deal, I think Lotus have made yet another huge mistake in not taking him and at the same time I think Hulkenberg dodged a career ending move to that slowly collapsing pack of idiots. The Hulk has bounced around numerous teams now and always without exception pulled out top line drives when the chance presents itself. You know you can tell the good drivers from the Maldonado’s because they get more out of the car than its capable of. Give Alonso or Hamilton a rubbish car and they will still get you points. That’s what Hulkenberg can do, and I don;t understand why the likes of Ferrari and McLaren aren’t climbing over each other to sign him!

Chance of a top ten – Nailed on I’d say, IF ... and this is a big IF they money is there any the rozzers don’t bust the whole thing wide open.

McLaren – Mercedes

One minute it was all peaceful and sunny, the cows were chewing the cud, the butterflies fluttering too and fro across the meadow, the very picture of a tranquil summer afternoon in a very British countryside. Then the very pits of hell rent asunder and a huge tower of basalt rock thrust up through the meadow with the cows, black as night and lit up like some huge stage prop at a Motorhead concert, thunder rolled around the world and lighting smote the slack jawed fools stupid enough to stand and stare at the return of Big Bad RON

 He fired the jolly nice Mr Whitmarsh, poached the rather grumpy French Mr Boullier by promising to actually pay for his services unlike his previous team Lotus. And then this new look team started testing, and every one not smote or slack jaw went

“Wow”

Then suddenly they appear to lose the plot again, how do they do this ? really they were all over Mercedes as the team to beat this year then suddenly it all fell apart at the last test and oh would you Adam and Eve it, they don’t appear to understand the car and how to push it forward and what to develop and all the some problems they’ve had for the last few seasons. And Ron looked angry again.

Also on the horizon of doom, is the continuing question about the legality or otherwise of the rear suspension. You’re not supposed to use the suspension parts for anything other than stopping the wheels from flapping around uselessly at the corners of the car, McLaren are supposedly using theirs to generate downforce and sell crack to kids on street corners or something. All the other teams took one look and raised a collective eyebrow, looked at their own designers with a “well ? Why didn’t you think of that you idiot?” look, then started reading the rule book to find something wrong with the McLaren.

I'm not sure what the bulgy bits do but some of the teams that have unreliable French motors rather than a ruthless German ones are unhappy about them. So expect a few waved arms and disgruntled team bosses until Ron lasers them with his eyes of death and sneer of invincibly. Those slack jawed idiots don’t stand a chance.

20 – Magnusson: You fire Perez and get a young gun in, and you get a young gun in because he’s got talent and guts and expressly not because he’s got a wad of filthy tenners in his back pocket and the ability to stand and talk at the same moment as a camera is pointed towards him. This is how it should be done you midfield teams that will never amount to anything. Magnusson is here on pure merit and talent and he paid the confidence back at the first test with fastest lap after fastest lap. He was out there taking it to the Mercedes. He wasn’t overawed by the limelight, he got in the car went fast and didn’t come back to the pits trailing bits of broken carbon fibre behind him. This kid is the real deal, he is the next Hamilton.

22 – Button: Jenson lost his father in January this year and whilst I would sometimes be a bit disparaging of his gurning and blatant ligging of John Button. I could appreciate how proud of his son he was and how much he meant to Jenson. John would let Jenson take all the lime light and knew when to step back and let his lad get on with being a famous racing driver, and if a camera crew required someone to be a cheer leader for the plucky English lad with a glass of wine in his hand he was absolutely your man.  Jensen’s father was a massive part of team Button and his loss is going to be hard for Jenson to deal with, I hope he can put a good year together and do justice to the memory of one of the characters of the pit lane. I get the impression there are a lot of people that will miss the bluff old duffer.

Chance of a top ten – absolutely you can count on it, wins certainly ... if the car isn’t deemed illegal after first practice of course.

Lotus – Renault

Was the missing first test a mistake? The problems with the Renault engines suggest not, but even a few miles of data is better than none. Money and headless chicken management insanity might well conspire to rob them of points.

They were the only team to really give Vettel a run for his money last year, but it was all starting to unravel in the background. With the sale of the team that wasn’t on, then was, then was to a different bunch of management nitwit, then it was off again and then Kimi stated asking awkward questions about when he was going to be paid. Then he flounced off to Ferrari and told the team what it could do with its contracts. They signed Hulkenberg, because they were going to be bought by some shady geezer they’d met whilst on holiday in Goa last august who promised to have the money just a soon as his mates got there from some Middle Eastern backwater. Then he disappeared and suddenly they didn’t have the money to pay Nico, so they send him a text “soz seat not yorz M8 lolz soz” then in a rather unseemly display of greed, lack of integrity and blatant desperation hired Maldonado for his Venezuelan oil money.

At no stage did they say, “He’s the talent we want, he’s the driver we feel can give us the best chance of a championship. We want Pastor because he’s fast and a tenacious driver that delivers results”. No they said he has a shed full of cash and they wanted it.

McLaren picked up Eric Boullier days later. And I really hope Eric went because he was disgusted by the way the whole affair had been handled. I hope he had the integrity to walk away from such a mean spirited and calculated act of greed.

I personally think it’s a disgrace to the name of Lotus, I really do.

08 – Grosjean: Well he did alright last year and had a very good end to the season. He was regularly on the podium and even made Vettel look in his mirrors a couple of times. But this year I think it’s all going to be for nothing. They don’t have the pit wall team anymore, a suit is running the show and that always works out so well.  Grosjean is an alright driver and actually, you know what I think he’s going to waste a year of his talent here. He’ll blow Pastor out of the water but that will be scant reward

13 – Maldonado: I don’t have the words to describe how little I think of this man. I think he’s a liability, I think he gets moments of red mist insanity, I think he holds grudges, I don’t think he has the ability to learn from  his mistakes and I think he makes far too many mistakes. I think at time he is a disgraceful driver .. the attack on Perez during practice in Monaco, taking out Hamilton in Spain. He is a glory hunter... trying to driver Alonso off the track in Australia rather than pick up points for Williams. His one win was luck, because Hamilton was robbed of the result he deserved. But his greatest crime was to bad mouth the Williams team after he spent the season driving like a total idiot. He is the perfect example of a driver that has bought his seat and is under the mistaken belief he’s some sort of driving God. He isn’t and he’s danger to himself and others.

Chance of a top ten – None, if there is any justice. Which is a bit harsh on Grosjean, but he should have left and gone to a team with some integrity.

Ferrari – Ferrari

Well, it’s the same old story at Maranello, have they built a car worthy of Alonso and now Kimi? Maybe … maybe not. Alonso has talked about having to relearn how to save fuel, going as far as to how to save fuel during a pit stop. All the cars now have 100kg of fuel from the moment they leave the pits until they get back to parc ferme at the end of the race where there has to be a litre or so left to test. Running out of fuel on the slowing down lap is going to get the book thrown at you and no points for the weekends work. The car has to use all these new fangled energy recovery systems to make the rocket fuel go further, it’s not about push to pass buttons, it’s about making F1 cars do more than 5 mpg. Mercedes appear to have an efficient engine with a healthy energy recovery system. Renault, well,  who knows what they have, I don’t think they even know if their system is efficient yet. And Ferrari has, it would appear, a thirsty system.

Testing has put them somewhere around the second half of the top ten, with Williams and Force India, maybe McLaren on a good day. But they’ve not been “a front runner” like Force India and Mercedes. Is this because they are trying to make the fuel last? That’s the suspicion. And if Alonso is working out how to save fuel during pit stops, they might have a bit of a problem. If they have to go out and chase the Mercedes they’re going to burn lots of fuel, then cruse round for the last ten laps and hope others hit reliability trouble.

07 – Kimi: I'm still not sure why he’s here, this is Alonso’s team now, not his and they didn’t really like him when he was here last either. So things must have been bad at Lotus for the grumpy Fin to come back to the last team to fire him. He proved he’s still got the where with all to win a race with a duff car, which might come in handy down Maranello way. But Ferrari need a team leader who can tell them what to do, not a monosyllabic Scandinavian who would rather spend the night drinking vodka and slipping tenners into garter belts then pouring over torque curve data. It just feels like a step back and a hands in the pockets kicking stones in the gutter walk to school on a wet Monday morning move. It had to be done, but only because no one else wanted him.  Then he totalled the car at the last test. Not a great start to the new season

14 – Alonso: Well this has to be the last chance of some glory doesn’t it. If only they had given him a car to match his talents. But if anyone can take a slightly duff car to the top step it’s got to be Alonso. I‘m not sure if Kimi is a hindrance, distraction or motivation factor.  Historically he’s not played well with drivers that can give him a run for his money. But Kimi is pretty much immune to the mind games so the Spaniard might have to bite the bullet and just get on with it. It’s an interesting dynamic, with the potential of some proper histrionics. Or it might just dissolve into a bit of half hearted grumpy stares and a few well chosen “private briefings of trusted media sources”

Chance of a top ten – either they’ll run out of juice 5 laps from home, or they’ll pass the Merc cars really slowly as they all try to save fuel with 3 laps to go.

Mercedes – Mercedes

If it’s possible to win the pre season winter testing war, then Mercedes crushed the opposition into the dust, stamped on the bits and them swept them up and buried them in the Bahrain dessert. Just like they did last year … Do you remember? How Hamilton and Rosberg put a gazillion miles on the 2013 car and everyone had them as season favourites …. Right up to the final days of the last test when Lotus and Redbull bolted on the soft stuff and suddenly went a lot faster.

Well it’s different this time.

No, really it is.

Due mainly to the fact the non Mercedes powered teams have yet to do a race distance, at any sort of speed, or a full chat qualifying run. So this time, at the dawn of a new Era, Mercedes are in the driving seat with the most miles and possibly the most reliable car. Whether it’s the fastest is pretty much immaterial for now, it will almost certainly get to the end of the race, and that’s the key thing this year. If the Renault engines all go bang after 10 laps and the Ferrari runs out of go juice 5 laps from the end, it’s going to be about the Merc engine cars and where they are. And you would expect the works team to be ahead of any customer teams.

44 – Hamilton: This is it, he’s going to do it this year ......... if he can learn to not burn out the tyres, thrash the engine or rip through the fuel load. If he manages to do all of that, it’s his to lose.

06 – Rosberg: The thinking is, Nico will be better at getting the a fragile car home at the start of the season, if he can stay focussed these two are going to be fighting each other for the championship.

Redbull – Renault

You remember last year, the second half of the season was a Redbull fest, wasn’t it. Week after week Vettel would lead Webber home and we all got bored of the game. Well it turns out Redbull were still developing their 2013 whilst everyone else had given up and were quietly tinkering with their 2014 cars.

Each week everyone else would pull the dust sheets off their 2013 car, roll it out, get beaten by a country mile, shrug and then go back to working on the new car. Redbull it would appear believed they were in some sort of race for the championship. Then after the season ended in Brazil Redbull blew up their engines for all the media to watch, bit of a PR stunt, “let’s have a laugh , ho ho”. All the other teams, meanwhile, were on the plane home putting the finishing touches to their 2014 cars.

Redbull, it seems have got it spectacularly wrong! Not only is Renault behind with the development of their new hybrid energy recovery system, and it appears years behind Mercedes. But the word is they got the numbers wrong when they tested the engine on the dyno. The heat dissipation numbers they gave to the teams, were far too low, even with the wick turned down, the turbo, engine and electrical recovery systems are pumping out a magnitude more heat then they though. The first test saw Renault engine after Renault engine cook itself within a matter of laps. And having told the teams, “oh, it’s a pretty cool runner, no need for too much cooling on your new cars, no worries” Redbull took that to mean they didn’t need any cooling at all around the KERS battery and sub systems.

Day after day at the winter tests, the Redbull had more and more holes cut into its bodywork. Pipes were desperately being gaffer tapped into bodywork to direct cool air over the alternator or batteries.

Redbull are weeks away from being ready for the start of the season. They have done a handful of laps, nothing really at race pace, certainly no qualifying runs. In warmer weather the car has a life span measured in minutes. A gearbox that has a nasty habit of seizing suddenly and an electrical system that doesn’t seem to be able to cope with all the demands placed on it. The talk around Redbull is of a new car by the Spanish GP. A ground up, redesigned car! Imagine the amount of money they are throwing at this, Marussia and Sauber are scratching around for spare cash under the sofa and behind the filing cabinet. Redbull are building a whole new car for the fifth race of the season. From the looks of things, they’re going to need it.

01 – Vettel: Let’s see how he goes when he’s not in the fastest bestest sexy car. Let’s see how he goes in a rubbish car that bursts into flames after 15 laps. See how the ego lives with abject failure shall we. He’s probably handle it with no problems at all, but where’s the fun in that. If however, they turn this thing around are in with a shout at the last race with its stupid double points reward ... I just know he’ll bloody well do it won’t he. Hurrumph

03 – Ricciardo: 6 months ago when he signed the Redbull contract he must have though all his Christmases had come at once, now he’s going to be spending the season testing parts for Vettel to race the following week.

Chance of top ten – Based on the testing evidence .. Not a chance, but F1 Is nothing if not about the money and the richest team by a country mile will be on the podium before the of the year..you just wait and see..

So there you go. Pick your favourites and settle back for the most unpredictable year in a very long time.

Good luck